My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
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People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
🚲+physics = winner
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash