My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
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me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm