@AmishPornStar1

My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…

‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.

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@perfumegenius

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars

Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works

@Jandalize

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

@hadafewbeers

Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.

@murrman5

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

@shutupmikeginn

“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show

@Social_Mime

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.