My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…

‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.

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11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.


Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars

Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works


Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?


Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.


[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?


“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show


That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.