MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured

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Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.



“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments


Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.


you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT


I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.


Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.


PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.


*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?


In a recent poll, Tulsi Gabbard trails Hillary Clinton significantly in the race for the Democratic nomination, even though Clinton is actually not in the race.


*Nerdy guys phone rings* JOCK: “Who was that, your girlfriend?” *Everyone laughs* NERD: “Nope. It was yours.” *Dead silence*