@AndrewNadeau0

MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured

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@ItsAndyRyan

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds

@ehchino

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

@rickkondell

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

@One_FineMess

Just did a spot on imitation of a new born calf while trying to gracefully exit a hammock.

@Lowenaffchen

i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends

@MissSassy_Pants

I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.

Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.

@goldengateblond

[watching #diving]

ME: Huge splash! Nice!

ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.

ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.

@LuvPug

My son- Can I have ice cream?
Me- No, it’s breakfast
Him-The dog just pooped in the living room
Me-Clean it up & you can have some ice cream

@bigpoppadrunk

Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell

@kxthleen

other girls wearing low ponytails: smart, classy, professional, beautiful

me wearing a low ponytail: will turner in pirates of the caribbean