MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Feels like there should be a middle ground
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.