Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
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So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Just did a spot on imitation of a new born calf while trying to gracefully exit a hammock.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
My son- Can I have ice cream?
Me- No, it’s breakfast
Him-The dog just pooped in the living room
Me-Clean it up & you can have some ice cream
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
other girls wearing low ponytails: smart, classy, professional, beautiful
me wearing a low ponytail: will turner in pirates of the caribbean