*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
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Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
No way!
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.