My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
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Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
😅😅😅
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”