@Parkerlawyer

My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.

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@MarioInAZ

Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.

@MsCongealiality

Bedible: Any kind of food you can successfully eat in bed without excess crummage or drippage

@gorrdano

Don’t ever let anybody outshine you in life. If that means arriving at someone’s funeral in a casket, then so be it.

@Contwixt

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

@HonestToddler

Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.

@ozzyunc

Friends are like French fries: they don’t microwave well.

@simoncholland

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.