My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.

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Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.


Bedible: Any kind of food you can successfully eat in bed without excess crummage or drippage


Don’t ever let anybody outshine you in life. If that means arriving at someone’s funeral in a casket, then so be it.


Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.


Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.


Friends are like French fries: they don’t microwave well.


You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.