Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
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i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
When the stylist spins you back around
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.