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Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit