My work here is don’t.
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[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”