@CrackYouWhip

My workout schedule:

1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat

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@Nikkeya08

My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.

@good_one_rick

Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die

EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears

@PleaseBeGneiss

[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows

ME: UGH

@seejaylinco

please stop asking me to change my password, i’m getting tired of renaming my cat all the time

@heatherlou_

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Can’t.. arguing with someone who thinks phone internet and internet internet are two different internets.

@caseytduncan

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

@Reverend_Scott

Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly

@beefman138

Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.