My workout schedule:

1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat

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My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”


My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.


Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die

EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears


[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows



please stop asking me to change my password, i’m getting tired of renaming my cat all the time


Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.


Can’t.. arguing with someone who thinks phone internet and internet internet are two different internets.


The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.


Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly


Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.