My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
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that colleague who touches your screen
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.