1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
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Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
But wait…
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight