*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
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Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
#Caturday
ugh not again
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).