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It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
constantly working on myself.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.