@MariyaAlexander

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

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@ladyignoble

Note to younger women:

Remember, men are always after just one thing: your snacks.

Do not leave the refrigerator unlocked.

@SomthinBoutSara

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.

@ArfMeasures

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup

@Twtercide

If you want the truth, ask a child.

If you want some bullshit, ask an adult.

If you want to end up in jail, ask your friends on Twitter.

@TheAlexNevil

5: I want to learn drums.

Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.

*confused, 5 walks away

I am the master.

@StansaidAirport

If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.

@HollywoodPalms

A note of apology to the people who complained about our #BlackPanther posts, saying “Wakanda isn’t real”:

@Love_bug1016

I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.