My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
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A Match(.com), but for socks.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.