Note to younger women:
Remember, men are always after just one thing: your snacks.
Do not leave the refrigerator unlocked.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
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How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
If you want the truth, ask a child.
If you want some bullshit, ask an adult.
If you want to end up in jail, ask your friends on Twitter.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
casual sex implies that there is ranked competitive sex
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
A note of apology to the people who complained about our #BlackPanther posts, saying “Wakanda isn’t real”:
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.