My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
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When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
LOOOOOOL
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
My love language is deader than Latin
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
me: my friends:
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.