@stewteee

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He did a 3 year stretch.

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@mydmac

*breaking up with BF

I’ll never forget you David.

‘My name is Jason’

Goodbye John.

@Go2Slp

I like Ohio’s abbreviation because any address sounds like you just realized where you are and you’re not super pleased about it.

@TheZachCozad

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

@SladeWentworth

Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?

@rudy_mustang

me: kentucky basketball’s logo looks like two birds having sex

911: sir this line is for emergen- wait what

me: yah turn it sideways

911: …holy shit

@iamspacegirl

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

@cavaticat

me: I’m hungry
fridge: great news, I’m full of foods you selected
me: no, not like that