Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He’s doing a 3 year stretch.
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Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.