Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
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If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Real House Wines.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
📽️movie date🎞️
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job