@StewieTea2

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He’s doing a 3 year stretch.

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@karanbirtinna

Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!

@NewDadNotes

Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.

Me: just tell her to use the force lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?

Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

@dave_cactus

ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.

@bigmacher

Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”

@ABurgerADay

Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.

@TheBoydP

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.

@_sumsx

I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑

@Kids_kubed

Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night

7: I want to be next to you

Me: Aww that’s so swee…

7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag

Me:

@Fred_Delicious

if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there

@SardonicTart

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.