I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He’s doing a 3 year stretch.
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Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
I just unzipped my skinny jeans and it startled me like a freshly poked tube of biscuit dough.
There is nothing stopping a condom company from saying they are the only condoms worn by Santa Claus
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Man Maroon 5 just keeps the hits coming .
Wife: The radio isn’t on. Those are two alley cats in heat.
Me: I don’t wanna know, know, know.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.