My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He’s doing a 3 year stretch.

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I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.


Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this


I just unzipped my skinny jeans and it startled me like a freshly poked tube of biscuit dough.


There is nothing stopping a condom company from saying they are the only condoms worn by Santa Claus


Me: what do you want for dinner?

3yo: nothing.

Me: you want cheese on that nothing?

3yo: yes please.


Man Maroon 5 just keeps the hits coming .

Wife: The radio isn’t on. Those are two alley cats in heat.

Me: I don’t wanna know, know, know.


[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years


(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!


Me: … Well this is embarrassing


Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.