@StewieTea2

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He’s doing a 3 year stretch.

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@LostFelicia

I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.

@tchrquotes

Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this

@GawdOffalTweets

I just unzipped my skinny jeans and it startled me like a freshly poked tube of biscuit dough.

@HelloCullen

There is nothing stopping a condom company from saying they are the only condoms worn by Santa Claus

@daddydoubts

Me: what do you want for dinner?

3yo: nothing.

Me: you want cheese on that nothing?

3yo: yes please.

@philco816

Man Maroon 5 just keeps the hits coming .

Wife: The radio isn’t on. Those are two alley cats in heat.

Me: I don’t wanna know, know, know.

@wolfpupy

[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years

@Pork_Chop_Hair

(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!

Courtroom:

Me: … Well this is embarrassing

@Brampersandon_

[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.