My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
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DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.