My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
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Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.