My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
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My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Investing in beetcoin