@CakeThrottle

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

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@KeetPotato

priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]

@theshantilly

Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

@Eightinchgoat

I think I’m gonna shave my legs so that there’s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.

@RandomAntics

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

@jimSarbh

Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’

@bourgeoisalien

me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak

@pauleggleston

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

@mela_shea

Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down

Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother

@daemonic3

FRIEND: Where were you?

ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor

FRIEND: Flu?

ME: Nah, just drove really fast

@lotterydude

A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic