priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
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Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
I think I’m gonna shave my legs so that there’s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic