@Mardigroan

My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.

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@ceejoyner

Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.

@Playing_Dad

Me: What did you do today while I was at work?

Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.

Me: I think you’re lying.

Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”

Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”

@realHamOnWry

Her: Why are we in this McDonalds drive though? You promised we were going for a romantic picnic under the stars.

Me: *Opens sun roof*

@FaisalAdam_

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

@Maddy_Obrien27

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.

@JermHimselfish

I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.

@Bob_Heller

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

@rodimusprime

Bad guys gotta have a meeting and decide once and for all Liam Neeson’s family is off limits.

@TheEllenShow

Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.