My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
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INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
also my go-to takeaway order
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.