@Mardigroan

My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.

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@thenoahkinsey

*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*

@noog

World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.

@Concertina81

I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.

@TheKrisWilson

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

@Cpin42

Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.

@salamingia

$50 says Jesus rose from the dead to clear his browser history.

@JohnLyonTweets

[6 months after the pandemic ends]

Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.

@faisaladam_

In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.

@sexypitabread

“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes