My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.

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Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.


Me: What did you do today while I was at work?

Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.

Me: I think you’re lying.

Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?


Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”

Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”


Her: Why are we in this McDonalds drive though? You promised we were going for a romantic picnic under the stars.

Me: *Opens sun roof*


I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.


Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.


I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.


*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?


Bad guys gotta have a meeting and decide once and for all Liam Neeson’s family is off limits.


Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.