My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
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Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
The news in a nutshell.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Oops
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.