@sentientbomb

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

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@girlnarly

[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities

@SortaBad

*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”

Sir this is a daycare…

“uh huh *winks* a daycare”

@mommy_cusses

*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.

@English_Channel

just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it

~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us

@Owl_Meat

captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna

1st mate: dont you mean sonar

captain (already in towel): full steam ahead

@DanMentos

One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic

@pleatedjeans

U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything

@TheNardvark

The guy who invented the mohawk was originally just trying to get his sideburns the same length.