Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
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Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here
ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Listen guys, if a 5yo comes up to you and asks if it’s true that zombies won’t eat kids who eat their broccoli, BACK ME UP, DAMN IT.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
John 3:16. Matthew 3:17. Luke 3:18. It was a very close race.