[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
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*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Squirrels are just rats who blow dry their tails.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
The guy who invented the mohawk was originally just trying to get his sideburns the same length.