My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
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The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Saw your ex at the shops
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.