@sentientbomb

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

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@DevilryFun

Interviewer: We offer great benefits.

Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?

@KentWGraham

Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.

@ArfMeasures

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

@Reverend_Scott

Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns

Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me

@sugarboyfly

Listen guys, if a 5yo comes up to you and asks if it’s true that zombies won’t eat kids who eat their broccoli, BACK ME UP, DAMN IT.

@KielyHealey

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

@AmirTalai

When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?

@thenashleysays

before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now

@Darlainky

My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.