Sometimes I have these really intense moments where I just have to close my eyes and count and count and count and then when I open them everyone is gone and I’m alone. And I realise it’s my job to find them. Because we’re playing hide and seek.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
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The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Sometimes I ask myself, what would Aquaman do? So I sit in the bathtub and cry about how useless I am.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.