@mom_ontherocks

My youngest is like a dog

She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you

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@dougcrosssley

Sometimes I have these really intense moments where I just have to close my eyes and count and count and count and then when I open them everyone is gone and I’m alone. And I realise it’s my job to find them. Because we’re playing hide and seek.

@causticbob

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

@Reverend_Scott

Sometimes I ask myself, what would Aquaman do? So I sit in the bathtub and cry about how useless I am.

@DannyZuker

I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.

@PinkCamoTO

How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?

@fro_vo

hi, how are you?

–yoda asking how high you are

@GrantTanaka

me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs

@RunOldMan

Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.

@lovstructionist

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!

*walls fall over revealing secret lab*