My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
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Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
it’s either covid or clever vampires
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”