Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
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When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Somehow stumbled upon a nude beach. .
Yeah, found myself in the middle of no wear.