My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.

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75% of being a parent is yelling at your kid for doing exactly what you just did


ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out

ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave


My kid: You know what I’m thinking??

Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?


Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger


I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite


her tinder bio: i like guys who are into heavy metal

[later at dinner]

her: why are you doing this?

me [dressed in chainmail and eating with a spade]: doing what??


I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.


My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.


There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.


Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.