@MomOfTeen

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.

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@WhosYourVader

75% of being a parent is yelling at your kid for doing exactly what you just did

@ArfMeasures

ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out

[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave

@HomeWithPeanut

My kid: You know what I’m thinking??

Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?

@Nikkeya08

Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger

YI:

Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite

@all_dredd

her tinder bio: i like guys who are into heavy metal

[later at dinner]

her: why are you doing this?

me [dressed in chainmail and eating with a spade]: doing what??

@OhMattyBoy

I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.

@PetrickSara

My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.

@brianbowman73

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

@squirrel74wkgn

Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.