My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
You Might Also Like
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Nomnomnomnom
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up