@MomOfTeen

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.

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@_sleepysmile

Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.

@HiddenPinky

ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!

@lazerdoov

Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?

Dude: no

Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway

@BrownDogBlanket

I started an organization for the ethical treatment of plants.

Because we shouldn’t eat the things that make oxygen.

Your move Vegans

@dulcetry

I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place

@LindaInDisguise

Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”

@ScobeyWanKenobi

The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.

@supermarkusa

I Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m seriously hoping that she’s having an affair.