“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
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Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
I started an organization for the ethical treatment of plants.
Because we shouldn’t eat the things that make oxygen.
Your move Vegans
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m seriously hoping that she’s having an affair.