MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
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I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book