MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.

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me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you


I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.


Ants can lift something 50 times their body weight. Wow. That means you can lift a leaf. Cool. I could do that when I was 14. Tiny idiots.


A firm handshake and a kiss on the neck is how I like to close my job interviews. Nailed it!


Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”

Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”

Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”


My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.


Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”


Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.


Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….