me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
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I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Ants can lift something 50 times their body weight. Wow. That means you can lift a leaf. Cool. I could do that when I was 14. Tiny idiots.
A firm handshake and a kiss on the neck is how I like to close my job interviews. Nailed it!
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz