MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
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i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Just how popey was the pope today?
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
If only
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.