she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
You Might Also Like
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Become ungovernable.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish