#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
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Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
He a real one for that
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia