*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
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[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
The French cow says MEUX…
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
c’mon!
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
X-tra spooky blend
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.