“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Banned from driving.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?
*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
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respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Muslim: I do not eat bacon.
Jew: I do not eat bacon.
Me: I will have their bacon.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Is it racist that I only use chopsticks when eating Asian food? I’m never like, “Time for pancakes! Where are my chopsticks?”
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“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.