@ddsmidt

*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?

*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.

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@ehdannyboy

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

@jonnysun

respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”

@Awesome_Todd

I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

@brandonleecool

Muslim: I do not eat bacon.

Jew: I do not eat bacon.

Me: I will have their bacon.

@mrjohndarby

[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS

@alfageeek

Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.

@michaelianblack

Is it racist that I only use chopsticks when eating Asian food? I’m never like, “Time for pancakes! Where are my chopsticks?”

@schumoo

“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.