*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
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My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.