MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
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I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
uh oh
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom