[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
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I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
#parenting
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.