[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
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Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies