Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
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Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
This kid is a star!
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation