@kookiedelukey

Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with

Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.

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@Danisrivera

Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.

It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin

@LostFelicia

I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..

@krisv_723

Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.

@UnFitz

Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.

Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*

@sarah1mc

I’m not saying you’re an idiot,
I’m typing it.

@RiverClegg

My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.

@dafloydsta

Dear Kelloggs,

Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.

Sincerely,
Tired parents

@ch000ch

9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas