Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
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I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
I’m not saying you’re an idiot,
I’m typing it.
Some people follow their dreams, I follow lunatics on the internet.
me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her
wife: [murdering intensifies]
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas