doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
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I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Me: you said make it stiff
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
is this your card ?
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!