@kookiedelukey

Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with

Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.

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@FredTaming

doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’

me: why are we on the roof

@online_shawn

I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane

@perlhack

[first day as an Orderly]

*gets fired for disorderly conduct*

@momtribevibe

[ First day as a bartender ]

Me: *unzips customers pants*

Him: wtf!?

Me: you said make it stiff

@daemonic3

I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.

@Glennot73

kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card

*takes card*

kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?

no

is this your card ?

no

*27 cards later* is this your card ?

no…

@Robert_Beau

The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.

@better_off_dad

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

@WilliamAder

When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.

@Brampersandon_

[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]

*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*

MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!