Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
You Might Also Like
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Name this drama.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.