[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
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MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Cheers Twitter.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth