@Token_Geezer

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

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@ZackBornstein

Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month

@Cpin42

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

@troutsbastard

As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.

@90spideypool

when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”

me:

@dadpickupline

As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack

@ShutUpThatsWho

HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it

ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys

@DrakeGatsby

The timeline of microwave popcorn:

< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential

@TheToddWilliams

[Orca Winfrey Show]

ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!

AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*

@Heather2go

Rules to live by:

1. Be kind to strangers
2. Don’t cheat on your taxes
3. Everything in moderation
4. Bury the body at sea