My son and I play a game where he talks all day and I bang my head against a wall.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
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Please women who wear 1 inch heels.
What’s the point? You look ridiculous.
What difference does 1 inch really make?
Don’t answer that.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight