Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

You Might Also Like


I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?


DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?


The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.


Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..


40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.


[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}


Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.


when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”


COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search