“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
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Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
#ParentingFacts
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*