[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
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Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar