@QwertyJones3

[nail salon]

Excuse me, do you do filing here?

“Yes of course we do!”

Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*

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@Ten_Toes_7

So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you

@farouq_yahaya

I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!

@junejuly12

At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.

@Carbosly

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

@david8hughes

Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think

@UhhhJasonWebb

Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.

@TheBoydP

I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.

@stockejock

Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.

@ehchino

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?