“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
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*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.