If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
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-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*