@texasstalkermom

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

- @texasstalkermom

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@EverydayGirlDad

As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.

@Fickle_Filly

People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.

@sixfootcandy

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

@gorrdano

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

@Reverend_Scott

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

@LostFelicia

*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people

@vapidaccount

ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.

@Mindless4Miles

*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

@thepunningman

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”