Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
You Might Also Like
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
*puts my mental health in rice
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is