@CArmanthegirl

*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest

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@markydoodoo

[spelling bee]

Teacher: your word is forwards

Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one

@Token_Geezer

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

@Gupton68

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

@mommy_cusses

I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.

@MooseAllain

If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!

@XplodingUnicorn

[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]

Me: Wow, you used to be hot

Wife: *death glare*

Me: …but not as hot as you are now

@TonyFratto

I joke but this Scotland thing is nuts. I mean…imagine if Canada ever tried to secede from the U.S.

@WheelTod

I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.

@Dawn_M_

This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.