*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest

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[spelling bee]

Teacher: your word is forwards

Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one


Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single


So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?


I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.


If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!


[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]

Me: Wow, you used to be hot

Wife: *death glare*

Me: …but not as hot as you are now


I joke but this Scotland thing is nuts. I mean…imagine if Canada ever tried to secede from the U.S.


I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.


This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.