Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
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Definition of a Will: It’s a dead giveaway.
Baller is short for ballerina
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Judge: Your word is… Grease.
Me: Grease is the word?
Judge: Yes. Grease is the word that you heard.
Don’t listen to people who tell you not to stay up late. They’re just trying to trick you into being a well-rested person who isn’t anxious.