Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.

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[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?


BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop


Dating is basically lying to women about how you like to travel.


“Well we’ve been looking for this multiple homicide suspect for 5 minutes. Time to close the investigation forever.” – cops in GTA 5


Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.


It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.

It’s the quality of followers.


UK – We call it Autumn, from the French word “autompne” and later, the Latin “autumnus”



Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.


If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.


Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.