Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
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CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Webb. James Webb.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.