Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
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*Clark Kent takes his glasses off*
Jimmy: “OMG, it’s Superman!”
*Clark puts his glasses back on*
“OMG, Clark! You just missed Superman!”
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Being a parent involves saying “this is NOT a democracy” a lot more than I thought it would
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
I don’t throw people under the bus because there’s a chance they could lay flat in the center and not get hurt, which I’m not okay with.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
I just took such a long hot shower that when I finished, Captain Planet was standing in my bathroom with arms crossed shaking his head at me