NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.

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Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder


*Clark Kent takes his glasses off*

Jimmy: “OMG, it’s Superman!”

*Clark puts his glasses back on*

“OMG, Clark! You just missed Superman!”


You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products


*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*


Being a parent involves saying “this is NOT a democracy” a lot more than I thought it would



GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish

ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.


I don’t throw people under the bus because there’s a chance they could lay flat in the center and not get hurt, which I’m not okay with.


[Boiling in a pot]

Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!

Girl lobster: I’m cold


I just took such a long hot shower that when I finished, Captain Planet was standing in my bathroom with arms crossed shaking his head at me