Had to try this trend 😊
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Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up