Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
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Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
new shirt idea
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
is this a threat
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs: